Hatchet Hall

Culver City | CA

| Jan 6, 2019 - precisely 6:34 pm|

It was a lonely Sunday night. Donning a slim tweed coat and leather Chelsea boots, I slipped out into the damp winter night feeling like character from Peaky Blinders. Equipped with the style of Tommy and the mustachioed face of Arthur, I made my way down Washington Boulevard towards Culver. Although unusually wet for Southern California, the evening perfectly mirrored my mental state: gloomy.

Hatchet Hall is a huge establishment; there’s no missing it if you’ve ever driven down the westernmost section of Washington Boulevard. However, since the monument sign only brandishes a hatchet, you almost have to be told where the restaurant is to find it. The interior feels like a log cabin that has been renovated over the years – growing in size to accommodate each new generation of the family. Similarly, the décor is piecemealed together as if accounting for decades of memories. Antlers and taxidermal ducks decorate the walls while flowered porcelain plates rest atop the bar. It’s a remnant of another time when a warm meal and good company were all the entertainment you needed. Pushing through the restaurant’s double doors like a miner entering a saloon, I made my way over to the bar and ordered an Old Fashioned. High West Double Rye? Not too shabby.

Being one of the few diners that evening, I got to talking with the bartender. I noticed he had been questioning one of the waitresses and writing down her answers. When I inquired what he was doing, he asked if I wanted to participate in a thought experiment. Curious, I accepted his offer…but after I put in my order for the octopus, rainbow trout and side of root vegetables.

(I encourage you to answer these questions for yourself,

make sure to write down your answers)

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Green”

“Now in three adjectives, describe how that color makes you feel.”

“Joyful, outdoorsy, and content”

“Think of any animal”

“Wolf”

“Once again, in three adjectives describe how that animal makes you feel.”

“Powerful, welcoming, lonely.”

Before we could get any further, my octopus showed up. Shaped like a nude in repose, the cluster of tentacles begged me to paint it like one of my French girls. Subtly charred from base to tip, each tentacle lay curled across the bed of cannellini beans. Picking up my utensils like an artist approaching the easel, I obliged. It was one of the best octopus dishes I’ve had in recent memory, each bite tender and delicious. A Mediterranean classic prepared with Americana charm. Clearing my plate, the bartender resumed his interrogation.

“Think of any body of water – ocean, stream, whatever.”

“Ocean”

“You know the drill.”

“Adventurous, salty, peaceful.”

Once again, we were interrupted. This time, by the arrival of my trout and root vegetables. Unsurprisingly, the combination was delightful. It’s the kind meal I can imagine eating on the prairie as my wagon train heads West in hopes of striking it rich in San Francisco.

“Last one. Think of your greatest fear, but this time don’t tell me what it is.”

“Ok, got it.”

“Now, describe to me how you would face that fear in three words”

“Address, execute, and overcome.”

After finishing his line of questioning, the bartender explained what it all meant. It was a personality test. The first question represents how you perceive yourself. The second question determines how others perceive you. The third question forecasts your upcoming year. And the last question reveals how you tackle your fears on a day-to-day basis. Given the answers to my personality test and the satisfied feeling in my belly, I could tell 2019 was going to be a good year.